


To Feel

by moonlightreader (curlysupergirl)



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Emotions, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, John is Sherlock’s everything, M/M, Sherlock is John’s rock, Trigger warning: hospitals and death, all the feels, heart to heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-06-23 16:42:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15610545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlysupergirl/pseuds/moonlightreader
Summary: John and Sherlock have a heart to heart after Sherlock invades John’s privacy... as usual.





	1. Chapter 1

“John, when did you write this?” 

 

John glanced at the poem in Sherlock’s hand. 

 

“A long time ago, when I was young and inexperienced.”

 

“You know there's no point in lying to me. I can date this paper just by its smell.”

 

“Then why bother asking me? I’m fine. I was an army doctor. I saw more than my fair share of blood… of death.”

 

“And yet, you didn’t expect it to follow you home. You expect people to die in war; that’s what they do. You don’t expect people here to—”

 

“YOU NEVER EXPECT PEOPLE TO DIE, SHERLOCK!”

 

“And yet, they do. Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

 

“I wrote it. That’s what I do. I write.”

 

“Why?”

 

“BECAUSE I CAN’T CRY!..... No matter how hard I try, the damn tears just won’t come out. I write to acknowledge that I’m not a monster. I don’t need to prove it to you, I need to prove it to myself.”

 

“That’s not uncommon, John.”

 

“What?”

 

“Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways. Some cry, some grieve, and some move on, because they wouldn’t be able to live if they didn’t. Lack of tears does not indicate lack of emotion. I see it in the tense set of your shoulders, the tight line of your mouth, and the eyes that know a history no man your age should have ever seen. Writing to process your feelings is perfectly valid.” 

 

“And since when are you an expert in psychology?”

 

“I have read every book available on the human condition. Because I want to understand that which I do not feel.  _ You  _ are not a monster, John. I am.”

 

“Sherlock.” 

 

He wrapped the taller man in a hug. 

 

“You feel. You feel stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. You just do it with your mind. Love to you is not saying the words, but protecting me, keeping me safe, keeping me happy.”

 

“You spend quite a large amount of time upset by my actions.”

 

“And yet, I love you. Go explain that.”

 

Sherlock pulled away from the hug. 

 

“I-”

 

“Not literally, Sherlock. Just a turn of phrase.”

 

Sherlock paused and allowed John to resume his hug. 

 

“I’m sorry for violating your privacy.”

 

“You are not sorry at all but I appreciate you saying so.”

 

“Read me the poem?”

 

John took a deep breath. 

 

_ I walked in the first day _

_ Unprepared, unafraid _

_ Ignorant of all _

_ The lives that wouldn’t be saved _

 

_ They say bravery is simply  _

_ Stupidity in disguise _

_ And trauma isn’t real _

_ Until you’ve seen it with your own eyes _

 

_ In bed seven sits a woman _

_ Whose cancer has spread _

_ From her breasts to her lungs _

_ As she gasps for a breath _

 

_ In bed nine _

_ A woman lies _

_ As she tells her daughter _

_ Everything will be fine _

 

_ In bed twelve _

_ I shan’t like to delve _

_ If I find what awaits _

_ My heart might break _

 

_ And every time I leave _

_ For the day or for a bite  _

_ I don’t know who I’ll come back to _

_ Who made it through the night _

 

_ Is what I’m doing helping _

_ As I fray at the seams _

_ Or am I just collecting horrors _

_ To haunt my dreams  _

 

_ For every time I close my eyes _

_ For a blink or for the night _

_ I see that which cannot be unseen _

_ I see people dying all around me _


	2. Acknowledgements

Hello lovely readers! If you enjoyed the poem in this fic, written by my dear friend, please consider checking out the amazing author on her new blog:

[bigpharmalittlepoet.blogspot.com](bigpharmalittlepoet.blogspot.com)

or on Facebook: [facebook.com/bigpharmalittlepoet](Facebook.com/bigpharmalittlepoet)

 

Cheers!

 

edit: if the links do not work, you can copy and paste them into your search bar


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